Ruth Darlene, WomenSV, Shares Tips to Recognize Coercive Control and Covert Abuse

As the founder and Executive Director of the nonprofit organization WomenSV, Ruth Darlene has dedicated her life to advocating for survivors and raising awareness about coercive control and covert abuse. Having personally advocated for over 1,500 survivors, her insights make her a crucial voice in the fight against domestic abuse.

“Education is the best form of prevention, especially when it comes to this form of abuse,” says Ruth Darlene. By recognizing the warning signs of an abusive relationship early on, survivors can gather support and begin creating a plan to protect their safety.

Understanding Coercive Control and Covert Abuse

Coercive control and covert abuse are forms of psychological manipulation and domination that can be challenging to identify, especially in their early stages. Unlike physical abuse, which leaves visible marks, these forms of abuse are often hidden behind a facade of normalcy, making them particularly dangerous.

What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a strategic pattern of behavior designed to establish dominance and subjugation over another person. It includes tactics such as isolation, intimidation, and control over daily activities. Survivors of coercive control often find their autonomy and freedom significantly restricted as the abuser seeks to dictate every aspect of their lives.

Some key characteristics of coercive control include:

• Isolation: The abuser may cut off the victim from friends, family, and other support networks to increase dependency on the abuser.
  “Watch out for the covert abuser’s dual tactics of shame and isolation,” says Ruth Darlene. “That can conspire to keep you silent and keep you from reaching out for the help you need to weather the storm… So please counter that strategy by gathering your village, gathering your allies, reaching out, telling trusted friends and overcoming that shame and turning it back to the person that belongs to: the abuser.”
• Monitoring and Surveillance: Constant checking of whereabouts, phone calls, and even social media activity to maintain control.
• Control Over Daily Life: Dictating what the victim wears, who they see, and even what they eat.
• Threats and Intimidation: Using threats of harm to the victim or their loved ones to instill fear and compliance.
• Financial Abuse: Controlling access to money and financial resources, making the victim financially dependent.

Recognizing Covert Abuse
Covert abuse, on the other hand, is subtle and insidious. It includes behaviors like gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the survivor into doubting their perceptions and sanity. Other forms of covert abuse include constant criticism, undermining confidence, and using affection or attention as tools for manipulation.

Key signs of covert abuse include:

• Gaslighting: Making the victim doubt their memory and perception, often through denial, contradiction, and misdirection. “Gaslighting is a tactic used by manipulative con artists and covert abusers to cause their victims to doubt their perception of reality, their memory and, over time, their sanity,” writes Ruth Darlene.
• Emotional Withholding: Deliberately ignoring or refusing to acknowledge the victim’s feelings and needs.
  “Even the silent treatment can become a weapon,” Ruth Darlene explains. “Silence can become a weapon in the hands of a covert abuser, where you are shut out and you are shunned… They treat you as if you don’t exist. They separate you, isolate you. But we are social creatures and that’s a really intense form of punishment. Covert abusers know that and they will use that to punish you.”
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Indirect expressions of anger and resentment, such as giving the silent treatment or making sarcastic comments.
• Love Bombing: Showering the victim with excessive attention and affection to gain control and then withdrawing it to create confusion and dependency.
  Ruth Darlene describes love bombing as a covert abuse tactic designed to manipulate: “”Over time you start to see that the purpose of the charm and charisma and love bombing… is to drown out your inner voice so that you don’t pay attention to the things that didn’t make sense. Drowning out that inner voice so that over time when he starts chipping away at you, you’ve lost that ability to go, ‘Ooh, that didn’t feel right. That didn’t feel good.’ Because his voice is so much stronger than yours.”
• Triangulation: Pitting the victim against others or involving third parties to create jealousy and competition.

Early Warning Signs of Coercive Control and Covert Abuse

According to Ruth Darlene, one of the critical steps in preventing these forms of abuse is recognizing the early warning signs. Here are some of the behaviors to look out for:

• Excessive Questioning: If your partner frequently questions your whereabouts or activities in a way that feels intrusive, it may be an early sign of controlling behavior.
• Gaslighting: This involves making you doubt your memories, perceptions, or sanity, often by denying things that you know happened or making you feel overly sensitive.
  Ruth Darlene describes gaslighting as a “tactic of getting inside somebody’s head, and getting them to think that they misheard or misunderstood or they misinterpreted what they thought they heard or saw, so over time they can start to doubt their memory, their perception of reality, their own sanity.”
• Hurtful Criticism Disguised as Suggestions: Abusers often mask their demands and criticisms as helpful suggestions, making it difficult to recognize the harm being done.
• Mean-Spirited Teasing or Negging: This includes comments or jokes designed to humiliate or undermine your confidence, especially in public settings.
• Excessive Jealousy: Constant accusations of infidelity or inappropriate behavior with others can be a tactic to isolate and control.
• Blaming the Victim: The abuser blames the victim for their abusive behavior, making the victim feel responsible and guilty.

The Cycle of Abuse

Understanding the cycle of abuse is crucial for recognizing and escaping abusive relationships. This cycle typically involves several phases:

• Honeymoon Phase: Initially, the abuser may shower the target with affection, gifts, and overwhelming charm, a tactic known as “love bombing.” This period can make the target feel deeply loved and valued.
  Tension Building: Over time, the abuser’s behavior shifts, with suggestions becoming demands and affection turning into criticism. Tension builds as the abuser exerts more control.
• Incident of Abuse: The built-up tension culminates in an abusive incident, which can be emotional, psychological, or physical.
• Reconciliation: After the abusive incident, the abuser may apologize, promise change, or blame the victim, creating a false sense of hope and security.
• Calm: For a while, the relationship may seem to return to normal, but this phase is temporary as the cycle inevitably repeats.

Breaking the Cycle: Steps to Safety

Ruth Darlene emphasizes the importance of education and awareness in breaking the cycle of abuse. Here are some steps that survivors can take to protect themselves:

• Gather Information and Support: Educate yourself about coercive control and covert abuse. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups for emotional and practical support.
• Create a Safety Plan: Develop a detailed plan for leaving the relationship safely. This may include finding a safe place to stay, securing important documents, and financial planning.
• Seek Professional Help: View WomenSV’s directory of resources for a list of organizations and services for assistance. Professional counselors and legal advisors can also provide essential support.
• Document the Abuse: Keep a record of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions. This documentation can be critical for legal proceedings or when seeking protective orders.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on your mental and physical well-being. Engage in soothing self-care activities that promote relaxation and healing, and don’t hesitate to seek therapy or counseling.

What Survivors Can Do if They Recognize the Abuse

Realizing that you are in an abusive relationship is a crucial first step towards recovery and safety. Here are actionable steps that survivors can take:

1. Reach Out for Support

• Confide in Trusted Individuals: Share your experiences with trusted friends or family members who can offer emotional support and practical help.
• Join Support Groups: Connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can provide comfort and practical advice.

2. Educate Yourself

• Learn About Abuse: Understanding the dynamics of coercive control and covert abuse can empower you to recognize and respond to abusive behaviors.
• Access Resources: WomenSV provides educational resources, including book recommendations, articles, and videos.

3. Plan Your Exit

• Develop a Safety Plan: A safety plan includes strategies for leaving the relationship safely, such as identifying safe places to go and how to get there.
• Prepare Essentials: Gather important documents, money, medications, and other essentials in a discreet, accessible location.

4. Seek Legal Protection

• Restraining Orders: In many jurisdictions, survivors can obtain restraining orders to keep their abusers at a distance.
• Legal Assistance: Legal counsel can provide guidance on your rights and options.

5. Focus on Recovery

• Therapy and Counseling: Professional therapy can help survivors process their experiences and rebuild their self-esteem.
• Self-Care Practices: Engaging in activities that promote well-being, such as exercise, meditation, and hobbies, can aid in recovery.

The Role of Education in Prevention

By raising awareness about coercive control and covert abuse, we can equip individuals with the knowledge they need to recognize these behaviors and take action. WomenSV offers a range of educational resources, including workshops, webinars, and informational materials, to help survivors and their loved ones understand and combat these forms of abuse.

FAQs About Coercive Control and Covert Abuse

Q: How can I tell if I’m experiencing coercive control?
A: Look for patterns of behavior that restrict your freedom and autonomy, such as excessive monitoring, isolation from friends and family, and constant criticism or manipulation.

Q: What should I do if I suspect someone I know is a victim of covert abuse?
A: Approach the person with compassion and without judgment. Offer your support and encourage them to seek professional help. Provide them with information about resources like WomenSV.

Q: Can coercive control and covert abuse happen in non-romantic relationships?
A: Yes, these forms of abuse can occur in any type of relationship, including friendships, family relationships, and workplace dynamics.