Ruth Darlene of WomenSV shares how to heal from covert abuse
If you’re grappling with the aftermath of covert abuse, you’re not alone. The scars of emotional manipulation may not be visible, but their impact can be deeply debilitating. However, it’s important to remember that healing is possible. This message of hope is represented in the efforts of domestic violence educator Ruth Darlene of WomenSV, who took to the organization’s YouTube channel to share her top pieces of advice for survivors recovering from covert abuse.
Ruth Darlene is the founder and Executive Director of WomenSV, a Silicon Valley nonprofit dedicated to empowering survivors, providers and the community with education about covert abuse and coercive control. Having worked directly with over 1400 survivors as a domestic violence advocate, she has supported women at every stage in their recovery process from covert abuse. Recently she has begun spreading awareness to a larger community through presentations, trainings and videos posted to WomenSV’s social media channels.
Understanding covert abuse
“The first step is getting some language to put on what’s happening to you,” says Ruth.
Covert abuse, also known as psychological or emotional abuse, is a form of manipulation and control that operates beneath the surface. Unlike physical abuse, which leaves visible scars, covert abuse leaves behind deep emotional wounds that are often invisible to the naked eye. It encompasses a range of behaviors aimed at undermining the victim’s sense of self-worth, autonomy, and agency.
This insidious form of abuse can manifest in various ways, including gaslighting, manipulation, intimidation, isolation, and invalidation. Gaslighting, for example, involves distorting the victim’s perception of reality, making them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Manipulation tactics can include guilt-tripping, coercion, and exploitation of vulnerabilities. Intimidation tactics may involve threats, aggressive behavior, or the use of power dynamics to instill fear and control. Isolation tactics aim to cut off the victim from sources of support, leaving them dependent on the abuser for validation and validation.
Despite its covert nature, the impact of psychological abuse can be devastating. Survivors often struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and complex trauma as a result of the psychological warfare inflicted upon them. The absence of physical evidence may lead survivors to question the validity of their experiences, further exacerbating their feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
Learning about covert abuse can be empowering for survivors. It provides them with a framework to understand and articulate their experiences, validating the validity of their emotions and perceptions. By recognizing the tactics used by their abusers, survivors can begin to reclaim their sense of agency and autonomy. Understanding that covert abuse is not their fault helps survivors let go of feelings of shame and self-blame, paving the way for healing and recovery.
Thankfully, knowledge about covert abuse has become more accessible in recent years. Survivors can learn about covert abuse through articles, videos and books discussing the topic.
In essence, understanding covert abuse is an essential step in the journey of healing for survivors. It allows them to put their experiences into perspective, giving them the words to explain what happened to them and helping them realize that they are not alone in their struggle. By shedding light on the hidden dynamics of psychological abuse, survivors can reclaim their power and begin to rebuild their lives on their own terms.
Recognize that healing takes time
Healing from covert abuse is not a sprint; it’s a marathon. Ruth Darlene underscores the importance of patience, emphasizing that the recovery process takes time. “If you have just come out of a relationship that had coercive control and covert abuse elements in it, don’t think that you’re gonna recover overnight,” she advises. “It can take a long time to recover from the type of liberty crime you’ve been subjected to… Your heart has been broken. So give yourself time to heal from that.”
This journey isn’t linear; survivors may encounter good and bad days, but each step forward is a victory.
Prioritize self-care
In the vortex of an abusive relationship, self-care often takes a backseat. Ruth Darlene highlights how survivors are coerced or even forced to neglect their own well-being. “Living with a covert abuser can make you lose touch with yourself,” she explains. “You stop checking in with yourself and stop caring about what’s going on inside you because it’s all about survival.”
The survival mechanism of dissociation may linger even after the abuse ends, deterring survivors from self-care. However, Ruth Darlene emphasizes that self-care isn’t negotiable — it’s essential for healing. Encouraging survivors to view self-care as little acts of rebellion, she advocates for nurturing practices like meditation, walks in nature, and indulging in activities that were once restricted.
Reclaim your inner voice
Escaping from an abusive relationship doesn’t guarantee freedom from its echoes. Ruth Darlene acknowledges the lingering presence of the abuser’s critical voice within survivors. “Once you escape from an abuser, you may still be left with that voice inside your head,” she warns. To counter this, she suggests intentional efforts to heal the inner voice. Positive affirmations and curated playlists can serve as anchors, guiding survivors back to their authentic selves.
Cultivate a support system
Navigating the labyrinth of healing is daunting without a support system. Ruth Darlene emphasizes the significance of finding a trauma-informed therapist who is well-versed in covert abuse.
Support groups provide solace and understanding, fostering a sense of belonging amidst the chaos. Educational support groups led by peers or advocates can help empower survivors with knowledge about covert abuse and coercive control. Therapeutic support groups offered by domestic violence agencies are another valuable source of emotional support for survivors.
Ruth Darlene advocates for nurturing friendships that uplift and encourage, while distancing from those who invalidate survivors’ experiences.
Reinforcing boundaries
Reclaiming power post-abuse entails redefining personal boundaries. Ruth Darlene prompts survivors to reflect on past boundary violations, using them as a compass for setting firm boundaries moving forward. Upholding boundaries is an act of self-preservation, safeguarding survivors’ emotional well-being.
Rediscovering your sense of self
“Have you erased yourself by always thinking about other people?” Ruth asks in a video titled How to heal from covert abuse and find self love. “Now it’s time to get back to that essence of who you are.”
To do this, she recommends asking yourself questions like, “What are your core values?” and “What can you do that really gets in touch with who you are at your core essence?”
Rediscovering one’s essence is pivotal to the healing journey. Encouraging introspection, she prompts survivors to delve into their core values and passions. It’s an invitation to start living life on your own terms again. Explore and rediscover your interests, hobbies and passions that may have suffered in the wake of creativity-stifling abuse.
Treat yourself with kindness and grace
Above all, Ruth Darlene advocates for self-compassion. “Take time to recover and give yourself mercy and patience,” she advises. Survivors are not to blame for the abuse inflicted upon them. Offering grace and patience, she implores survivors to extend mercy to themselves. Healing is a tender process, and self-kindness is the balm that soothes the wounds.
The role of education and awareness
Education is a cornerstone of empowerment. Ruth Darlene emphasizes the importance of understanding covert abuse and coercive control. Through presentations, trainings, and social media videos, WomenSV strives to raise awareness around subtle forms of abuse. Shedding light on the dynamics of abuse equips survivors with tools to recognize and address harmful behaviors.
Breaking the silence
Ruth Darlene encourages survivors to break the silence and share their stories safely. Whether through therapy, support groups, or advocacy, speaking out is a powerful act of reclaiming agency. By amplifying their voices, survivors not only validate their experiences but also inspire others to seek help.
Healing through creativity and expression
Art can be a powerful tool for healing. Ruth Darlene encourages survivors to explore creative outlets as a means of self-expression and healing. Whether through writing, painting, music, or another creative medium, artistic endeavors provide a cathartic release and facilitate emotional processing.
Building resilience and empowerment
Healing from covert abuse is a transformative journey. Ruth Darlene celebrates the resilience and strength of survivors. Through empowerment initiatives and advocacy efforts, WomenSV empowers survivors to reclaim their narratives and rebuild their lives on their own terms.
Ruth Darlene’s wisdom illuminates the path to healing from covert abuse. Each insight is a beacon of hope, guiding survivors towards wholeness. As they navigate the labyrinth of recovery, may they find solace in these words, knowing that healing is not only possible but within reach.
